At the same time, a different story evolved before my eyes in the same subway car.

Another group, African-American woman with two girls,  entered the car on 72 street and  grabbed my attention. One of the girls was white, and she had the Down Syndrome. Usually it would be very hard for me to watch children with defects. It is very difficult for me to even think about this. I would be usually afraid that something like that would happen to me or my kids. I know that this is an irrational fear, which stems all the way from the fear of death and all that is physically imperfect. I write this to acknowledge the fear, and to capture the magical force that transformed my perception of imperfection.

They had such a harmony in the relationships between the three of them; I couldn’t stop looking at them with wonder. They were different. But not in the fact that one of the girls was physically imperfect. It was because the girl  was deeply loved, and because she was happy. You could see this in the woman’s caring looks. You could see it in the the way they smiled, touched and played with each other.  And you could see that in this loving context the girl looked beautiful. You could see that she was a person.

I was stunned how the relationships between them changed my perception of the girl with the Down Syndrome. She was imperfect, and yet beautiful. I liked her; I wanted to play with her. That was a powerful transformation for me, and I wondered later about the nature of that power.

In one of my earlier academic journals I wrote that we become fearless after we embrace our vulnerability. Only when we are ready to be tender and soft we have a chance to develop a true connection with people. And this is really the essence of compassion – the most misunderstood idea in the world.

In her work on imperfection Brene Brown defined that “compassion is not relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s relationship between equals….The heart of compassion is really acceptance. The better we are accepting ourselves and others, the more compassionate we become.”

And for the first time in my life I felt as I and the girl with the Down Syndrome were equal. She has her imperfection and I have mine. I shit every day and in the end I will decay and die. And yet,  she is loved as I am, and she loves as I do. So we are equals.

When I realized our equality I felt inspired. I felt strong, but it felt as much bigger power field than the one that was create by the “gang boy” and the “macho guy” just next to us.

The ability to make remarkable things happen, requires much more power than the power of our bodies. It is only possible when we connect to something greater than we are, when we connect to each other. What many see as weakness can truly transform into significant power, because it is the only way to become compassionate, to connect, and to elevate our souls above our fears. I wish I had the guts to see this every day.

DimaShima

“…on the highest throne in the world man sits on his arse” (Montaigne); “…and the fate as well as all physical it will decay and die” ( Ernest Becker).

“…a man can be destroyed but not defeated” (Ernest Hemingway).

Two couples entered the downtown bound subway car at 96 street. There was zero similarity between them and each of them had their own dynamics. But watching them from the side… you could see how the different dynamics were, in fact, two side of the same coin. Combined together as if they happened on one theatrical stage they laid out what the Power really is.

The first couple involved an African-American “gang boy” and a “latino macho guy”. Stepping into a crowded subway car, the “macho guy” slightly pushed the “gang boy”, and that was enough to trigger a power game between them. It lasted for a few seconds and involved aggressive looks and heavy breath. The “gang boy” was probably a boxer, and he stared at the “macho guy” with the same expression boxers look at each other before they start fighting. The “gang boy” hoped the “macho guy” would look at him, so he could then explode. The “macho guy” knew what was happening and looked aside turning half of his body away.  He didn’t look and his opponent even once.

I observed this power game from the side and wondered about the differences in their power sources. On the one hand, both had muscles, were physically fit, and could challenge each other. We could say that this is a context of physical force. But on the other hand, the “macho guy”, who was older and heavier, “used” (I make here assumption for him) more subtle power sources. His turning away for a bit created a state when the “gang boy” couldn’t seal his quest for domination. To dominate one needs to have another party to agree to have  relationships. In these relationships one dominates and the other is supposed to  appease. But by looking away the “macho guy” didn’t loose his balance and never entered these “dominance -appeasement” relationships. Moreover, it seemed as the “macho guy” looked within himself at something else. He was engaged internally in a different story, which gave him the strength to withhold the “gang boy’s” attack on him.

In negotiation terms we could say that he had an alternative to the engagement with the “gang boy”, and having an alternative proves to be an effective power source.

To be continued….

So I will write about the little things again.

Last week the department of transportation (DOT) changed the parking procedures on the curbside across my street. That is because of the construction works that have started on the property of the Columbia University. As of last week, cars are not permitted to park there.

This is bad and I am furious. As I noticed the new signs I couldn’t quit seeing in my head how I would come out at night and remove those signs. Or I would see how I hire people from the other side of Broadway that would  remove the “damn” signs with the fresh wooden poles that hold them. I couldn’t stop having those thoughts. And after a week I realized – I don’t even park there! I have been renting a parking lot in a garage near my house. So why do I care?

I believe I found one more “button” that reminded me of many times when I circled around the neighborhood trying to find a parking spot. It reminded me of dozen of parking tickets that I have received here and overseas for illegal parking, which I considered  as legitimate. Clearly the police thought differently, and I have paid thousands of dollars in fines. So when I saw the new DOT provisions on my street I felt the pain it would cause me “had I parked there”.

How many times we feel the pain “had something happened” to us before it actually occurred? It has a lot to do with the problem of the first thought, which I have discussed here. But it also opens a new theme – the issue of the primed negativity within us. I have been thinking a lot about this lately, but I can’t yet bring all the pieces together and write them down in a coherent fashion. And the reason I have started this blog is exactly that – to integrate them.

However, as I write these words and become aware of the logical force that powers the situation, I feel better. The mere acknowledgement of the situation we are in is powerful enough to get us unstuck. And today, if I have the same thoughts circling around and causing me pain, I know not to make them go. I will be better off  by acknowledging them, and in return they will show me what I really want. I think it’s a good deal, and I wish it happened everyday.

My story that connects me to this clip starts 20 years ago. This is a story of a Jewish kid who didn’t have friends and was bullied by local anti-Semites in one of the big Russian cities. I moved to Israel on my own after the collapse of the Soviet Union and joined the IDF. I was a “lone soldier”, and that was the first time in my life when I found friends and was truly accepted. They taught me how to overcome my fears and be proud of who I am. They trained and pushed me beyond a point of physical pain. They loved and cared about me.  Watching this clip made me miss my brothers, made me want to go back to Israel and serve in the reserve (Miluim). I remember many moment like this when we laughed and tried to find ways to be “normal”, to be ourselves, or just to be.

Whatever story you choose to tell yourself will define who you are, so be aware of the aftertaste you will have to live with.

Reflecting back, I understand that relationship served as a very powerful attractor, which added context to the situation and created the logical force that impacted my perception. This is an example of how power could be generated by merely becoming aware of meaning. Awareness of the context, of the stories that we tell ourselves or try to ignore, may lead us to identification of the attractor field that gives power to our actions. And I wonder how connecting to those fields may also help seeing more effective ways and forms of interaction.

As competition leads to more competition and cooperation leads to more cooperation, the first thought matters the most. It names the game we are playing and creates the feeling of “oughtness”, which defines what we do or don’t do.

The problem with the first thought is that too often it happens to be negative. Stone, Patton, and Heen found that 68 percent of words describing emotions in English language are negative. Many times we will use negative words to name things because the positive words are simply not on the top of our minds. There are five negative headlines out of seven on the first page of the today’s New York Times.

It is very easy to lose balance with the first negative thought as a default option.  It is easier to say what we don’t want instead of what we want. It is easier to then misunderstand the feelings of the people around us. In the end, these little things feed back to each other and give birth to an emergent competitive dynamics that in many cases no one had intended.

Reflecting on yesterday’s post, I realized that there is a way to reshape this malignant dynamics by just slowing down. First, slowing down allows time to “reflect in action”. It allows us to suspend judgment, to revise the first thought, and to choose a positive word that would describe more accurately what we feel and want.  It allows us time to be silent, in order to hear the other person’s motives. And finally, it opens space for people to see a more complete picture of solutions, which the parties wouldn’t have been aware of otherwise.

Most complex phenomena are comprised of multiple simple interactions. In dynamical systems theory it is known as dynamical minimalism. Remembering my experience at Columbia’s book store I recognized the first thought that framed the game I played as a critical moment.  I slowed down and simplified the dynamics of that moment. I had waited eight days until I completely calmed down.  When I called the store manager I asked for help in resolving the situation. I assumed that the store manager perceived his role in  being able to help. I assumed that if he helped me it  would have enhanced his feeling of personal effectiveness. I listened more than I spoke. My silence created dynamics when the store manager had to fill the void with some creative action. I felt as I had walked a thin line. In the end, the late fee was waived, but I got a warning. I understood what he meant, and I was satisfied with the process.

One of the ideas that has been developed in early Confucianism was the role of ceremonies and music in the elevation of the human soul. It was very difficult to comprehend the practical implications of these ideas without trying them out, but I always sensed that they contained an immeasurable source of personal empowerment.  Every now and then, I would try to practice ceremonies…and today I came one step closer to an understanding of how it works.

The idea here was very simple. As I remembered how slow I was yesterday, I decided to intentionally slow down today as well. When you slow down you have time to observe your thoughts, feelings, and actions. I observed how I poured coffee. I observed the melting sugar. While the sugar got diffused within the cup,I observed my breath. I repeated my motions again and again, building a structure that  resembled a ceremony. The rising feeling reminded me of mediation. I spent several hours in a meditative state and was very alert. I was present. I was empty – with no judgment, expectations, or desires. People spoke to me and I listened. I didn’t want to respond. I saw what they said within a context. I saw why they said what they said as if I saw through them …or from above. And when I spoke, my words resonated. I was both connected and detached, and I had a choice. I had space to think about what I wanted…what I cared about.

I couldn’t yet fully integrate my observations into a coherent picture, but I could highlight the following thoughts:

• Ceremonies put us into a meditative state and lift our perception “upwards” from the events around us. Albert Einstein once said that “the significant problems we have cannot be solved at the same level at which we created them.” We need to develop an elevated outlook, detached from our “buttoned” self-perception, so we can see a whole picture of how various elements connect and give birth to what we recognize as a problem. If Confucius lived in our times he wouldn’t be able to come up with solutions to significant problems after reading the morning headlines. If those headlines were able to move our souls anywhere, it would be backwards.  But simple ceremonies that sharpen our awareness could lift us up and give us a chance to make conscious choices.

• Ceremonies build time and space for us to ask why we do what we do, and what we care about. They show us a way to connect to a greater meaning, and if we find that connection, we can serve. In ancient times Chinese public officials served…they served through ceremonies. It was a way to connect to a greater cause by finding meaning in everyday tasks.

Connecting to a greater meaning, serving, seeing through things – all these by themselves are valuable assets. But when they are integrated, they bless us with confidence.  That confidence is a powerful source that makes us able to “move the needle” in the space between people, the ability to make things happen. This type of power is not taken; it is developed through continuous effort of self awareness and reflection. Chinese scholars knew that more than two millennia ago, and it is still happening every day.

1. I could loose my balance and explode when a young woman suddenly turned and bumped a cup of coffee on me. I didn’t care. I just stood there and smiled. I felt bystanders’ eyes around, waiting for a response. I felt their pressure as they expected me to react. But I was just smiling…from inside. And as I kept smiling, the pressure left me out. Something started working.

2. I had what was supposed to be a  difficult conversation with a colleague at work, which  could get my buttons pushed. But actually it was very productive. I expected her to be controlling and playing a power game, but I learned a lot during our conversation. Although at one point she tried framing my perception in a way that would elicit a desired for her response (to accept her expertise and authority in her geographical domain), but I was so slow, so I just didn’t bother to respond. I didn’t ignore her, but I spoke slowly, observing each phrase inside out.  It  felt as if I didn’t want to “leave home”, and I “watched her maneuvers from the couch”. It seems as laziness could be very effective in generating a  feeling of confidence.

3. And finally, I caught a wave and had a fulfilling conversation with the Boss. Although we exchanged a few words, but I saw that he cared and wanted to connect. I like him; I care about him. And I wish we could work more closely.

I don’t know how to explain what happened today. These were little things, but I sense a big wave coming. Something is emerging.

DimaShima

We came to have a lunch in one of the restaurants around Union Square in New York. It was one of those new trendy restaurants without waiters. Instead of waiters they have several chefs, who cook pasta for you on the spot, as you watch them working. And they also talk to you. My personal chef was a young guy from Venezuela, and he was genuinely curios about his customers. He asked about my name, whether I live in the City, what I do, and…what’s my nationality.

Twenty years ago when I was asked the same question by people in my hometown I would feel the anti-Semitic flavor of the question and get ready to punch and get punched. The only reason to ask such question in the Soviet reality was to either be questioned by the authorities, or to be identified by  locals whether I was a member of their tribe. Answering this question as “I am Jewish” would almost always lead to the humiliating “Are you a ZHID?” and then to a fight. All my family members were familiar with this feeling, and I was told that hitting first in response had strategic advantage, especially when you were confronted by a group of three or more. Sometimes it was even more confusing when I was asked about my nationality by people whom a thought to be my friends…I didn’t know how to respond.

So when I was asked by the Venezuelan young chef about my nationality, I was puzzled… I hesitated answering him because I couldn’t find a way to express in one word the long story of my self identification. I had to collapse  in one term 16 years of life in the Soviet Union, then another 15 in Israel, and then another four that I have been living in New York.

I said I was Russian. I know I lied, because I am Jewish, but it is not a nationality in the USA. I wouldn’t be able to explain that without confusing him.  Even American Jews don’t relate to Judaism as nationality; it’s a religion for them. But this is not the point. What stroke me when I answered him was the absence of the fear and aggression in my response. I wasn’t going to fight. After twenty years my old demons were pushed away.

Thinking about this through the lunch I realized that those old fears and memories  were diffused in a long chain of experiences that expanded my comfort zone. I should be thankful to them for making me move to Israel and find friends and a sense of belonging. I should thank my demons for pushing me towards exploration of self- identity. I should thank them for being able to find new ways of making connections to people. I closed a cycle and it was a powerful feeling.

The Venezuelan chef doesn’t even know that he will now have a very important place in my perception of myself. He is part of me now. What I think about myself now is the result of the question he has asked.

I could also say now that my Soviet Union has finally fallen apart. What about yours?

DimaShima

“…The original data were re-examined to see if there was something about these children’s eating habits at age 4 years that might have been predictive. What the authors found, surprisingly, was it was not the total number of calories consumed, whether a child went straight for the dessert, or if the child chose the junk food that predicted obesity.

There were 2 things that did correlate with later obesity. The first was the amount of time the child spent at the table. Those who were there for 39 minutes or more and kept eating were less likely to become obese than the children who were at the table for 29 minutes or fewer. Taking longer for a meal appeared to be protective. An even stronger correlation, however, was found between the number of bites per minute and obesity. Those children who had eaten 3.1 bites per minute or more were much more likely to become obese than those who ate 2.2 bites per minute or fewer. That was a difference between about a bite every 20 seconds and a bite every 27 seconds. A 7-second difference in bites was enough to make a dramatic difference in weight.”

I think it is fascinating and is a matter of our awareness. I will start focusing on situations where the little things make big difference because I believe that an ability to recognize them  is a source of  great power. More about this in the next post.

DimaShima